23:00 hrs, Drunk

There are days when I feel happy; very happy. There’s no particular reason why. That’s the day I go running. I’m up since 4. I cook and I clean my room- corner to corner.

Then, there are days where it’s difficult to get out of bed. I feel half-dead at 8 AM even though I slept at 9 PM last night; I feel unable to deal with a new patient and I just can’t bring myself to care.

I’m a psychiatrist. Should I diagnose myself with bipolar disorder?

I don’t think so.

I think it’s more like I’m experiencing something that most of my generation do.

The feeling of not being enough and being just enough at the same time.

It’s a battle.

We’re told in the media to accept ourselves as we are. That we are awesome any way we are. That there are different ways to define success and we’re all successful in our own way.

But, there’s the fact that we were brought up with values that contrast with these concepts.

We were brought with the concepts of hard work and equivalent gains; with early to bed and early bird getting the worm. We were matured with an unhealthy dose of competitiveness and a healthy helping of despair. We were let go of into the world while being told you are what you make of yourself and this is what you should make of yourself.

So, during the nights that I lay awake, conflicting emotions raging through my subconscious and an unexplained restlessness ravaging my conscious, I question the truth.

I wonder if it’s my hard work or natural ability that got me this far. I question if I made it by myself or if I was led here by a subtle hand. I doubt my prowess and my logic. I overthink my past, my present and my imagined future.

Is this just me?

Do you also feel this way?

I was born in ’92. Is it a curse of the generation?

Or is it just…me?

 

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