There are times when you doubt everything- your intentions, your motivations, your decisions. When such a moment arises, what do you do?
I tend to take a step back. I want to re-observe, re-evaluate and rethink. Sometimes, this path is available. Many times, it isn’t; and the only thing possible is to decide on the fly- whether to indulge your insecurities or whether to place the trust in yourself.
It’s true, I walk with my insecurities sitting right on my shoulders. They’ve been there ever since I took my first steps I’m sure, though I can’t remember as far back. They might have been a little different, but, the fear that accompanies them, I’m certain, was the same.
And the greatest fear of them all has been…that one day, I’ll give in to these fears.
Each year as I grow more into myself, I feel like I’m giving in more to my insecurities. They’ve been slowly taking over the reins and I hate that feeling! I doubt my words more now; I question my decisions more. I think thrice and more before coming up with a plan of action and I take longer to do what I believe is right.
Is this what it means to grow up?
Well then, I refuse.
I refuse to grow up. I refuse to give in. I refuse to lose this battle with myself.
There are certain things that are hard-earned in my life. My confidence is one- I built it up inch by inch, with a stronger foundation and longer endurance after it came crashing down around my adolescent ankles.
My self-worth is another. After years of putting myself down for being a girl, after more than decade of shaping my identity out of fiction, I’m finally learning that it’s okay to like what I like and be what I am.
I refuse to let go of either of them.
Do I sound childish to you? Too ideal, maybe?
Am I being too optimistic when I say I refuse to grow up?
To my ears, I do sound childish.
To my mind, I do sound too ideal.
To my spirit, I do sound too optimistic.
But see, in my brain, right now, right at this moment, the dopaminergic pathway feels lit up and the happy chemical is doing its dance. So, maybe it’s not too bad to sound childish or ideal or optimistic. Maybe, it’s not too much to hope that I’ll overcome my insecurities. I think, maybe, it’s not such a bad thing to sometimes dig your heels in, bawl your eyes out and refuse, just outright refuse, to be that responsible, realistic adult that you have to be.
So, here’s to the inner child within me and within you;
Say, do you like the swings? Coz’ I like to fly really, really high and then, scream into the rushing wind as I come back down.