21:48 hrs, Walking In Cold Rain And Darkness

Helplessness

Hopelessness

Worthlessness

 

These are the three words handed to an undergraduate medical student as the markers of depression.

As you grow up and enter the post-graduate world, you learn that there is more to depression than just these three catchphrases. But, the actual blow falls when you realize that even after graduating from the 2 mark answer to the 10 mark answer, you still meet the brief.

I had my suspicions; and now, with a whole 1 month of specialised experience behind me, I’ve confirmed those suspicions. I was, indeed, in a state of depression most of the last two years.

This post however, is not about that period. It’s about now, when I’m in the process of kicking off the cobwebs and really, truly, undeniably re-entering the fully functioning world. I’m realising now, that it’s not such an easy process. Of course, the cardinal symptoms of low mood, insomnia and binge-eating are not in evidence now. But, they are not so far off either.

I know that it’s an on-going struggle from the moment I open my eyes to the moment I open my eyes again the next morning. Until I stop asking myself, do I really need to do this or go there or talk to that person, I’m in the warzone. And the moment I let my guard down, I fear they might engulf in their web again.

I think it’s the first time in my life that I’m enjoying living in fear; because as long as the fear exists, I know I haven’t given up and as long as I haven’t given up, I’m winning this game of tag.

I can relish the feeling of happiness again. I can laugh again without feeling guilty. I want to hold on to this feeling of wholesomeness with everything I’ve got. So, I’ve decided to push aside the disappointment in my heart at not achieving my dream. I’ve decided to stop putting myself down over unfulfilled goals and start writing up my new goals. I’ve decided it’s time to look forward and if I do happen to look back, I want to remember the new friends I’ve made, the special memories I’ve collected with my family and the unique experience that life has given me. No more. Nothing else.

My life is within my reach again and this time, I’m not letting it go.

 

**

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