13:39 hrs, In An Empty OPD

So, I’ve started my residency in psychiatry as of yesterday in a hospital that’s smack in the middle of a highway. I could walk up and down the road for as far as 5 kilometres without coming across one store that would sell me chips.

So I thought, when I was moving here, that’s good. With my weight hitting an astonishing number on the scales and my mother seeing a blob everytime she looked at her daughter, it’s a very good thing that my school is in the middle of nowhere. With no options, I’d have to eat whatever they serve in the college mess and they definitely wouldn’t serve me chips or instant noodles. The time felt finally ripe for a junk food detox and I decided this was it.

A decision that lasted for a grand total of 30 minutes after my mum kissed me goodbye. 

You see, I hadn’t reckoned with the tuck shop packed beneath my hostel. I hadn’t reckoned with how fond I was of dinners with my laptop. I hadn’t reckoned with the strength of my reluctance to go to the mess alone. Try as I might, I couldn’t bring myself to mingle with the crowd talking over a shared dinner.

This almost irrational fear of a potential awkward meal trumped the rumbling of my stomach last night. It even trumped the knowledge that I’m going to wake up in the middle of the night aching for a snack that I don’t have because of that imagined detox. My options narrowed down tragically to live on water or go, buy that packet of instant noodles from the tuck shop.

Well, you can guess what I did. 

I’m not hungry anymore. But, two meals have gone by since then and I haven’t gone to the mess for either of them. But, I’m an optimistic person. So, I have high hopes for sociability quotient. One day it’ll improve and that day, I’ll go to the mess, alone and confident. 

Until then, I’m seeing a potential new friend in the tuck shop guy.



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