Chapter 4: Longing



Dear Rudi,

How are you?

No…where are you? I know we broke up; but, that didn’t mean you should completely cut me out of your life! If Lucy hadn’t called me, I wouldn’t even have known that you were out of town!

Do I sound very girlfriend-y? Oh dear! I’m so sorry…I don’t mean to. I think you just bring my worst out of me. That is not an ideal thing for a relationship, is it?

Yours in friendship,



Dear Rudi,

You know, I didn’t think I would miss you. After all, I was the one who broke it off. I thought I was ready to move on. Live the single life. Follow my single dreams.

And I’m doing it! I’m doing everything I wanted to do, Rudi. My life right now is like something out of a self-indulgent movie script. I don’t have to think of anyone…not you…not Lucy…all my plans are my own. My time is my own. My bed is my own. It is, in a way, liberating. After a long time, I can hear myself breathe, and think, without wondering if someone else is looking at me.

Lucy tells me you guys are having fun too. Some days I wish I was there and it would be like we were back on campus.

Yours in dreams of the younger halcyon days,



Dear Rudi,

There are nights when I don’t come back home, and I don’t have to call anyone. There are also lunches that I plan out without the issue of conflicting schedules. I’m completely on my own, if you think about it, for the first time in my life! And I realize, Rudi, that I can do it. I don’t need you or anybody else. I’m perfectly able to live on my own, happy, contented…free.

I was talking to Lucy last night and I told her I’ve been laughing so much in the last couple of weeks, I’m starting to think something’s come loose in my head. But, she told me that if that was so, then the same thing must be happening to her because she’s can’t think of a time when she was happier than she is now. All I can say is, Rudi, my boy, what have you been getting her up to?

Yours on a high from freedom,



Dear Rudi,

I was talking to Lucy earlier and after I hung up, I was just hit with this feeling of such gratitude, I knew I had to tell you this.

My dear, dear Rudi, you and Lucy were there for me whenever I needed you and there were times, when I didn’t know I needed you, but you did and you were there. Without you two on the campus, I probably would’ve followed my sister off that roof. But, you two became the family I needed and craved for. I can’t help but think that destiny had a hand in bringing the three of us together. Think about it; what were the odds that three kids from three different broken homes end up fitting together as perfectly as the missing pieces of a jigsaw puzzle? You two, my dear, were and are the best thing that ever happened to me.

Yours in fond nostalgia,



Dear Rudi,

Over the last couple of months, I’ve only talked to you in mail and to Lucy over the phone. Both of you weren’t here and I was forced to really understand the meaning of independence. Little things like taking care of my bills or cooking a meal for just one or filling up gas on time because I know that if I get stranded somewhere at midnight, neither of my 4 AM friends are here to come pick me up. It was daunting in the beginning. But, surprisingly (really, I never expected to deal with it so well), I rose to the challenge; and not just that, I owned the challenge!

Lucy suggested that I go out to celebrate the fact and tonight, I’m going to do just that!

Yours while dancing with gay abandon,




Dear Rudi,

I’m sorry my last letter was so long ago. I wanted to sort out some issues in my own head before I put them out on paper. My new-found independence is showing, huh? Many times, I did sit down to write a new mail, but, I would tell myself not to be hasty. Then, I would remind myself that if you had missed me, you would have written yourself. Today, however, I’ve finally come to a decision to be as honest with you as I’ve always been.

In my last letter I told you I was going out to celebrate my independence.

I did.

Then, when I got home at 2 AM, I went to bed, cuddled under the covers and cried. I wasn’t sad, Rudi. I just missed you so much.

I needed these 3 months to realise that I didn’t need you in my life. I needed these 3 months to realise that I wanted you in my life.

I just wrote that sentence and now, I’m wondering how you’ll take it. Will you get angry, Rudi? Or will you just shrug it off and walk away? I never was as good at reading you as Lucy…

So, just…well…it’s been a long time. How are you, Rudi?

Yours in the hope of a reply,



Dear Lucy,


I miss you.

Come home.


 Yours crying for no reason,






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