00:45, 30/5/14

It is an experience very profound in every doctor’s life- the first death. I have no words to exactly describe the situation. Nonetheless I’m going to try for my own sanity. So that I can assure myself that I did take away something from the experience; that the stranger whose death I just saw didn’t die entirely in vain. For this once, he is not just a case, he is a person…with likes, dislikes, a life and a family. I went into a shock. I was checking vitals, trying CPR. But, I couldn’t intubate, I didn’t know how. Due to my ineptitude, my confusion, my inability to deal with the situation efficiently- I was in shock.

Sir came, took over. He gave out instructions, I followed. But I wished, oh how I wished, that he didn’t have to; that I could have responded efficiently and that, then maybe, the stranger could have survived. I didn’t know how to, but I wished I could have tried harder, much harder.
I have seen death before. But, this is MY first death because I let it happen…
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