I’ve been feeling restless for the past 2 weeks. The feeling of wanting to do something, anything, other than what I usually do.
I’ve also been feeling lonely. So, I’ve been fantasising, daydreaming about having company, having a partner to rely on…for the rest of my life.
But, at that point, I gave myself a pause. Because that was not a thing I ever fantasised about.
Yes, I daydreamed about partners- about boyfriends and girlfriends…
Yes, I wondered what it’d be like to be married, to wake up to the same face every morning, to come home to the same person every night…
Yes, I fantasised a lot about the physical intimacy that comes from having such a person in your life…
But, never did I, in the least, want to get married or live with another person or share my life and everything in my life with a fellow human being.
So, when I started thinking I might actually want that- I took a step back and assessed my life, analysed my life.
I’m missing the passion.
That’s what I realised.
You know why I never needed another person to validate my existence before? Because I always had a purpose, a direction- something I wanted to do and something I was working towards.
Relationships and boys were always a second to that destination I was dreaming of. If they came in the way, they were ruthlessly cut off. You know those negative portrayals of career-driven women on TV? I was dangerously close to being those women.
But now, what changed?
What changed is that I don’t feel that purpose anymore. I’m floating in free waters rather than swimming against the tide and that’s the shittiest thing ever.
I was searching the other day for reasons to tell that your job is not satisfying you…
Fuck that! I should have been searching for how to tell if you’re not satisfying your job.
Because dreams and daydreams and fancy fantasies put aside, the fact remains that I was looking for my purpose in all the wrong places.
Because the direction I was working towards got difficult, I started evading and escaping and looking away.
Because I preferred daydreaming and stupid fantasies to giving my 100% and revelling in my purpose…
All I wanted, since I was very young, was to be useful- not just to the people I know, but to everyone. I wanted to repay life for giving me everything it did. Because I’ve been fortunate in the place of many others who are not.
And I didn’t exactly do anything to deserve it except be born to my parents…
The reason I wanted to become a doctor, apart from being conditioned into it by my grandfather, was because it gave me a larger perspective, a greater purpose and for all I criticize it for- because of its nobility.
So, how can I say I’m unfit for my dream profession before I give my 100%?
I know that just because I’ve had an epiphany doesn’t mean my life’s going to change the next day. But, I’m willing to work for it. I want to remind myself of these thoughts every time I want to slack off, or spend an evening in fantasy while rejecting reality.
That’s why I’m putting my haphazard, chaotic thoughts down here- in the hope that this Sunday night vista will still make sense to me come Monday morning.
Cheers! Happy Sunday!