Reflection

Look in the mirror everyday
See a familiar stranger
Face, I know; features, I recognise
But, who are you?
And why do I hate you so much?

First thing in the morning
I call you names
I judge you, I blame you
I hold you responsible for my failure
I never give you credit for my success

I make you work, work more
Whatever you do is never enough
I make you ask, beg for forgiveness
Without a smidgen of mercy in my heart
I make you question, doubt yourself
Your motives
I make you insecure, unstable
Angry and unreasonable
I make you tired, I exhaust you
With my whims, fancies, my ridiculous demands

Why do I hate you so much?

You’re by my side
You’re holding my hand
You support me
You help me out
You give me your all
You make me who I am

You’re my reflection in the mirror
My shadow in the heat
You’re my voice when I speak
My thoughts when I write
You’re my all
You’re me

Why do I hate you so much?

Did you do something to me?
Did you hurt me?
Did you make me suffer?
Did you make me cry?
Did I make me cry?
Did I hurt me?

Why do I hate you so much?

Why do I hate myself so much?

 

*END*

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I Miss You Guys

I miss you guys.

You were so much better than me- at studying, at playing, at creativity…you made me want to work hard to catch up with you. You made me aim higher, set greater goals. You made me want to be better than I am.

I want to be there again.

Amidst people who’d get caught up in the workings of the world, but tried their hardest to disentangle again. Amidst people who didn’t give a flying fuck what the world thought of them. In the place among you people where I had the most fun in my life even just lounging around.

I want to talk with you guys.

A conversation with honest confessions and frank opinions. A conversation where lies are put aside temporarily because we don’t have time for them. A conversation where I can let myself go without having to censor myself.

I want to cook with you again.

Those nights on that terrace, no plates or glasses, just a bunch of spoons and the weirdest combinations. Indian, Italian, Nawabi and Irani, and then a touch of cake and cream with all of them. We’d leave nothing untouched, we’d leave nothing unfinished…except for conversations and memories.

I want to drink with you guys.

A shot of whiskey shared in camaraderie and good spirits. A shot of tequila for that sense of misguided adventure and thrill. Then, the beer on tap because I want to hear our glasses clink and laugh madly for no reason.

I want to run with you again.

You’d go on ahead because you’re faster, but look back once and again to make sure I didn’t stop. You’d pull me ahead on the last 100 metres across the finishing line. Of course, you’d laugh at me because I look funny when I run and when I collapse at the end while you’re all still standing.

I want to spend a night out with you guys.

Where we talk about nothing and something and everything. Where we share secrets around midnight and sleepy nothings around dawn. Where I feel so excited because I’m with you, yet so relaxed as if I were by myself.

I want to celebrate birthdays with you again.

The elaborate planning and messy handling. The cake and chips and dancing all night. Because you want to show you care; because you want to have fun; because you want to say, what if your family is not around, this is what friends are for.

I want to go out with you guys.

You’d discuss clothes the night before and change them all up in the morning. Stuff on the bed, stuff in the bag and yet, there you are with more in your hands. We’d laugh through the mess, through the chaos before setting off finally an hour and a half late.

I want to watch TV with you again.

Post-dinner, post-post-dinner-walk, collapsing on the couch, laughing, commenting, passing judgement on characters that are ridiculous. Sometimes the final few moments we share in a day. Most times, it’s the final few hours we share in the day, mocking, teasing and laughing over nothing.

I want to study with you guys.

Just knowing you were in the room across slogging away like me was enough to keep me going. Just knowing that you’d come knocking on my door at dinner time kept me motivated to study a little more. Just knowing that I could come and whine and cry on bed helped me keep the frustration at bay.

I want to spend time with you again.

Sharing stories, memories, nostalgia for those days. Sharing concerns, problems, secrets of the past and present. Just us and the minutes ticking by. Until we have to say goodbye again.

I miss you guys.

I miss your faces, your smiles, your laughs, your silliness, your absurdities, your presence in my life.

Seconds, minutes, hours tick by. I miss your faces, your smiles, your laughs, your silliness, your absurdities, your presence in my life.

Days, months and years pass by. I miss your faces, your smiles, your laughs, your silliness, your absurdities, your presence in my life.

My life goes on. But, I miss your faces, your smiles, your laughs, your silliness, your absurdities, your presence in my life.

I miss you all over again.

 

*END*

12:28 PM, Reading Up On fMRI

Whatever happens, happens for the best.

This has been a motto of mine since childhood. But, recently I’ve started questioning how much do I believe in it and how much do I use it as convenient thought to comfort myself?

After all, if something bad happens; if I lose something- like my phone; if I don’t get what I really want- like a place in the school that I actually wanted to study in for my post graduation, it’s all for the best, isn’t it?

I mean, of course, I’m here instead of there because I didn’t work hard enough- I read manga and watched anime instead of studying anatomy and physiology- but, that’s also for the best, isn’t it?

Isn’t it?

Is it?

Is it really for the best?

Or am I just saying empty words to comfort myself?

Because there’s this little twinge every time I think about where I am right now and I silence it by saying it’s all for the best. For the moment. Because it’ll be back. It comes back quite frequently. If only I had been more sincere. If only I had been more hard working; less distracted…

But, no. I’ve given up on the hard working part of me. I never was. I don’t think I ever will be. It’s one of those things I can’t do.

Is this attitude of giving up also a result of these comforting words?

I’ve never been very competitive. I like winning. I like proving people wrong just as much as the next person. Yes. But, it’s not the driving force. It’s never been the driving force. In fact, I don’t know if I have a driving force at all.

I like to have fun and if I’m not having fun, then I stop. Whenever I think back upon my perceived achievements, this is all I realise. I never did anything which wasn’t fun for me.

When studying wasn’t fun, I stopped. When work wasn’t fun, I took a day off. When people weren’t fun, I made up excuses to refuse hanging out with them. And when situations weren’t fun, I avoided them.

All for my best, right?

I’ve gotten by like this for 25 years; and I have a feeling that if I continue like this, I might need to be using that motto way than I already do.

So, with the advent of another new year and with my 26th birthday coming ever closer, maybe it’s time to consider some changes?

*END*

Alone

“Did you hear…

“What did you…

“No, that’s not wha…

 

Voices

Talking

Always, always talking

Chattering, gossiping

Exchanging news, titbits of information

Sharing old memories, making new ones

Surround me

 

Creech…bang…honk…

 

Traffic

Noisy

So, so very noisy

Cutting in between people

Into conversations

Making voices raise

Shout, and yell into each other’s ears

Trying to be heard

Trying to understand, to respond

To tease

Surrounds me

 

Sounds

People

Voices and conversations

Surround me

All the time

 

I feel alone

All the time

 

My mind split in half

Paying attention, thinking hard

Running away, coming back

 

My legs walking fast

Moving to, moving fro

Running away, coming back

 

My heart erratic, ecstatic

Beating hard, beating fast

Running away, coming back

 

Caught in between

Breathless

Lost

 

I feel alone

All the time

 

Time in seconds

Time in minutes

Time in hours

Passing by

 

Days together

Months together

Years together

Spending on

 

Thoughts of life

Ideas of midnight

Games of imagination

Shared together

 

I feel alone

All the time

 

I try to talk

I try to join

I try to enjoy

 

I laugh hard

I crack jokes

I make you laugh

 

I pretend to understand

I pretend to care

I pretend I’m a part

Of all that you are

 

But…

 

I feel alone

All the time

 

The truth is…

 

Surrounded by you

Surrounded by them

By noise,

By sound,

By presence…

 

I still feel alone

All the time

 

*END*

You Can Stop Smiling Now

You hold my hand

You sit by me

I watch you smile

I hear your laugh

 

But, I want to hear you scream

I want to hear you yell

I want you to get angry

I want to hear your rage

 

There’s two of us, you tell me

Interlock your fingers with me

Smile at me

You offer me comfort

A slice of solace

But, why does that make me angry?

Angrier.

 

I want to see you cry

Taste your tears

I want to hurt you

In ways you haven’t been hurt before.

 

Why?

Why do you smile?

 

I get angry by myself

I get hurt all alone

Why am I dissolving in your solidarity?

Why am I so vulnerable to you?

 

Why are you not?

 

Can I hurt you?

Can I make you cry?

Can I, at least,

Make you angry?

 

Maybe you’ll snap at me

Maybe you’ll break something

Just a little chink in your armour

Would polish all my cracks away

I’m easy, you see,

Unlike you.

 

I melt every single day

In the heat of all these feelings

And you don’t even break a sweat.

 

Are you lacking stimulation

Or don’t you have any feelings?

Is it my fault?

Is it yours?

 

Why are you so placid

While I’m breaking apart here?

Why are you still smiling

When I’m drowning in my tears?

Why don’t you flinch?

Why don’t you curse?

Why don’t you tell me how you really feel?

Why don’t you tell me

That you don’t really feel…

…all that I do…

 

Don’t worry,

I’ll get angry

I’ll scream

I’ll cry

I’ll break something

I’ll melt

I’ll dissolve

And then,

I’ll put myself back together.

 

So, don’t worry

You can stop smiling now

You can confess how you really feel…

 

…and you can stop smiling now.

 

*END*

Scan

Blood oxygenation & hemodynamics

Brain function & blood flow

We have MRIs, SPECTs and PETs

To look into the brain, into the tissue

Into the very chemicals that make you tick.

 

But, he sits in front of me

Silent, not meeting my eyes

Face downcast, shoulders slumped

He refuses to answer my questions

Or his mother’s concerned enquiries

The cuts on his wrists fill this silence with malice

Reform it into an ominous suspense

What’s he thinking?

What’s he feeling?

He refuses to answer, I don’t know.

 

Blood oxygenation & hemodynamics

Brain function & blood flow

We have MRIs, SPECTs and PETs

To look into your brain, into your tissue

Into the very chemicals that make you tick.

 

She’s screaming in the waiting room outside

Her mother hanging onto her arm

Pulling her back, wailing and holding her back

Her father stands in a corner, stricken, helpless

His daughter, his little girl, the apple of his eye…

Now recognised him no longer

She called herself a God and a gift to all mankind

In the same breath that she called him a blight

Upon her boon

And pushed him away

He asked why. He asked why. He keeps asking me why.

 

I have an MRI, a SPECT and a PET

But, not an answer for a tortured father in tears.

 

Blood oxygenation & hemodynamics

Brain function & blood flow

We have MRIs, SPECTs and PETs

To look into your brain, into your tissue

Into the very chemicals that make you tick.

 

A lady not that old sits in my ward

Her eyes vacant, her lips smiling

She answers everything with a yes, an amicable lady

You think; she seems happy, you think

And turn away

She doesn’t know her name, doesn’t recognise her husband

She doesn’t remember what she had for breakfast

Or lunch or dinner

In fact, she doesn’t remember if she had eaten at all.

But, she’s happy, you think, because her empty brain still fires its neurons

Which lift her lips, pull them into a smile

As vacant as her eyes, as vacant as her mind.

 

The MRI shows atrophy, I whisper to her son

He looks at me blankly; he doesn’t have the 8 years of study I do.

So, I explain that her brain is shrinking

That she’s lost her memory, her personality, everything that makes her his mother.

And that there’s nothing I can do beyond this explanation

I whisper, in a stoic voice, I’m sorry.

Then, I look at the grey scan in my hand, at the MRI

To hide my shame, my regret, my sickening helplessness

I study the uselessly atrophied brain in my hand

To avoid seeing the hope dying in his eyes

 

I’m hiding…

 

Behind an atrophied brain, I’m hiding…

 

I hide behind big words

Blood oxygenation & Hemodynamics

I hide behind heavy terms

Brain function & Blood flow

I hide behind grey scans and damning reports

I have MRIs, SPECTs and PETs

I hide behind my fancy tools and spectacles

I look into your brain, into your tissue

I hide behind my lies that sound like the truth

I look into the very chemicals that make you tick

I hide behind vague reassurances

Fact-filled explanations…

 

…And a whisper… I’m sorry…

 

I have MRIs, SPECTs and PETs

I look into your brain

But, I don’t know what’s on your mind

I look into your tissue

But, I can’t tell you you’ll be alright

I look into the very chemicals that make you tick…

…I’m sorry…

I’m sorry. I can’t tell you that you’ll be alright.

I’m sorry. I don’t know if you’ll be alright.

I’m sorry. I studied for a long time

I passed a lot of exams

But today, in front of you, I don’t know what to tell you…

Except…

I’m sorry.

 

*END*

Stay

I dream

I dream alone in my room

I dream of new places, colourful hobbies,

New mornings and fresh beginnings

I dream of doing something new

Meeting someone new

I dream of stuff I’ve never dreamt before

In my room

In my room, I stay

And I dream

In my room

 

My friends leave

My family leaves

One by one, each one moves on

New achievements, new challenges

New mornings and fresh beginnings

They’re all gone while I’m dreaming

While I’m dreaming in my room

All alone in my room

I stay

I dream

All alone in my room

 

I read something new, I wish to try it out

I see something new, I plan to work it out

I order things, I collect material

I search, google, browse

I plan, I plan, I plan

All in my brain, all in my mind

 

The material sits, dust collects

I plan, I plan, I plan

Clothes pile up, books pile up

I plan, I plan, I plan

I lose myself in my plans

Dust collects

I lose myself in my mind

Dust collects

 

Morning comes, I dream a new dream

I search, I google, I browse

I order, I collect, I plan

And it repeats

Dust collects

And it repeats

 

All day long I stay

In my room

And I dream big dreams

All day long,

I stay

 

I stay

I stay

I stay

And I dream

In my room.

 

*END*