Cry, My baby

Cry, cry

Cry some more, little baby

 

The world is but a place

Full of people who’ll laugh at you

Mock you, point fingers at you

 

The day will come when you’ll be

All alone…

And it’s not too far

 

So cry

Cry now, little baby

So you may hold your tears then

So you may try to smile through your misery then

So you may pretend it’s all well

And you’re truly happy

Then.

 

So cry

Cry away, my little baby

Cry while I’m still around to dry your tears

Cry for as long as I can calm your fears

Cry, my little baby,

Until I can sing your sadness away

And snuggle your wail into sweet sleep

Cry…my baby…cry…

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Deeper

I know I’m travelling down

A dangerous road

The brambles are getting thicker, the thorns thornier

But, I’ve lost my senses now

I push on

My clothes tattered, my skin torn up

My spirit has been broken by the rocks

Strewn along the path

I have no hope, no dreams to dream

I’ve left behind the expectations

I was supposed to live up to

In the dust kicked up by my feet

I see my past self, trodden, broken

Forgotten

Nothing in front of me

Nothing behind me

But, the rush of darkness, the peace of oblivion

Deeper…deeper…deeper…

I push on

I’ve lost all my senses now

I push on…

 

*END*

You’re My Fix

I’m walking around

Bogged down

By my thoughts

By my heavy heart

Something is off

I wish I knew what it was

 

So I call you

 

You share your daily nothings

I listen and laugh along

With the ups of your tone

And downs of your day

I go along with your flow

 

I’m able to smile

I’m able to forget

 

Then something happens

Not too big, not very important

But it makes me cry at night

It makes me weary during the day

A little something that’s off colour

Messes up my canvas, my life

For no reason at all

 

So I call you

 

Your face creases into a smile

Bursts into a laugh

Twists in frustration

Flattens in wry humor

A movie in a story

Insignificant, but important

Because it’s from your life, your day

 

My face follows the lines on yours

My finger twitches to trace it along

When your lips curl, mine do too

I remember what it’s to laugh along

 

I got my fix

I smile again

I forget…again.

 

One morning days later

Is grey, is lifeless

I can’t lift my head to look at my clock

Or hand to turn off the alarm

I’m tired

I’m so tired

I slept for 10 hours

And I’m still tired

 

I skip work, I lay in bed

I go over how much I hate myself

Over and over in my head

I feel dead, though I know my heart is beating

My lungs are breathing, my brain

Is firing

But, I still want to open up a few veins

Watch the blood spilling

I want to make sure, I want to feel the pain pulsing

To feel alive

 

So I visit you

 

Your arms engulf me tight

My tears spill over your shoulder

You hold my face in your hands

Place a gentle kiss on my forehead

And say, “Everything will be alright”

 

“I believe you,” I want to say

“Thank you,” I wish to say

But, my throat has closed up

My lips can’t make words yet

So I cry some more…I clutch your shoulder

Like a raft in a thundering storm

And I cry some more

 

While you make me tea

While you tuck me in

While you curl up beside me, holding me close

 

Until I wake up with my eyes dry

My heart afresh

Until you can tell me about your day again

Until I can laugh along

Until I can smile again

Until I can forget…again…

 

Because you’re my fix

Because…(let me tell you while I can)…

You’re my fix.

 

*END*

Your Voice

I hear your voice on the other end

And I feel warm

The chills reduce

My tears dry up

I hold my hand out

In the empty air beside me

I pretend it’s you by my side

Whispering in my ear

Sharing an inside joke

Laughing aloud

Looking at each other

Reading our thoughts

I hold my hand out

In the empty air beside me

I pretend you’re not so far away

I pretend you’re there

Right next to me

 

I hear your voice on the other end

I hear your hello

Your sleepiness

Your tiredness

I hear your concern, your worry

I hear your voice

And I’m alright

 

I hold my hand out in the empty air beside me

I pretend you’re there

I pretend you’re here

Next to me

I pretend I don’t miss you

I pretend I wasn’t crying

I pretend I wasn’t feeling like

The world had emptied and abandoned

Me all alone

 

I pretend everything’s alright

Until I hear your voice

And everything is alright.

 

I hear your voice on the other end

I hear your laughter

Your smile

In your voice

I hear your love, your happiness

I hear your frustration, your sadness

I hear it all…

When I hear it all, I hold my hand out

In the empty air beside me

Where you used to be

And I feel warm

My tears dry up

And I feel, I’m alright.

2134 hrs: Sunday Night Vista

I’ve been feeling restless for the past 2 weeks. The feeling of wanting to do something, anything, other than what I usually do.

I’ve also been feeling lonely. So, I’ve been fantasising, daydreaming about having company, having a partner to rely on…for the rest of my life.

But, at that point, I gave myself a pause. Because that was not a thing I ever fantasised about.

Yes, I daydreamed about partners- about boyfriends and girlfriends…

Yes, I wondered what it’d be like to be married, to wake up to the same face every morning, to come home to the same person every night…

Yes, I fantasised a lot about the physical intimacy that comes from having such a person in your life…

But, never did I, in the least, want to get married or live with another person or share my life and everything in my life with a fellow human being.

So, when I started thinking I might actually want that- I took a step back and assessed my life, analysed my life.

I’m restless.

I’m bored.

I’m missing the passion.

That’s what I realised.

You know why I never needed another person to validate my existence before? Because I always had a purpose, a direction- something I wanted to do and something I was working towards.

Relationships and boys were always a second to that destination I was dreaming of. If they came in the way, they were ruthlessly cut off. You know those negative portrayals of career-driven women on TV? I was dangerously close to being those women.

But now, what changed?

What changed is that I don’t feel that purpose anymore. I’m floating in free waters rather than swimming against the tide and that’s the shittiest thing ever.

I was searching the other day for reasons to tell that your job is not satisfying you…

Fuck that! I should have been searching for how to tell if you’re not satisfying your job.

Because dreams and daydreams and fancy fantasies put aside, the fact remains that I was looking for my purpose in all the wrong places.

Because the direction I was working towards got difficult, I started evading and escaping and looking away.

Because I preferred daydreaming and stupid fantasies to giving my 100% and revelling in my purpose…

All I wanted, since I was very young, was to be useful- not just to the people I know, but to everyone. I wanted to repay life for giving me everything it did. Because I’ve been fortunate in the place of many others who are not.

And I didn’t exactly do anything to deserve it except be born to my parents…

The reason I wanted to become a doctor, apart from being conditioned into it by my grandfather, was because it gave me a larger perspective, a greater purpose and for all I criticize it for- because of its nobility.

So, how can I say I’m unfit for my dream profession before I give my 100%?

I know that just because I’ve had an epiphany doesn’t mean my life’s going to change the next day. But, I’m willing to work for it. I want to remind myself of these thoughts every time I want to slack off, or spend an evening in fantasy while rejecting reality.

That’s why I’m putting my haphazard, chaotic thoughts down here- in the hope that this Sunday night vista will still make sense to me come Monday morning.

Cheers! Happy Sunday!

Tranquility

Staring out of the window

At the clouds lazily

Passing me by

Thoughts come, thoughts go

A blank slate in my mind

A peace that’s only ever

in this moment

Lasts now and gone just a little later

When my feet land on

Solid ground

When the world rushes in

Wipes out my existence

In its hasty omniscience

Calls to take, exams to write

Schedules to keep, routines to maintain

All forgotten in this moment

When the clouds lazily pass me by

And I stare out the window

My phone has no signal

My brain has no thoughts

No worries

No pressing concerns

A peace that’s only in this moment

And gone just a little later…

A serenity up here with the clouds

And an expanse of emptiness…

A tranquility up in the blue air

And me…

Gone just a little later…

*END*

Fear

Fear grows in me day after day

Bit by bit, it climbs up my throat

Clutches my neck

Settles on my shoulders

Never lets go

 

What if something gets me?

What if something’s hiding in the dark?

What if I can’t run fast enough?

What if I can’t get away?

 

I used to go out at night before

And at dawn too

I used to love the dark,

The peace and the quiet

 

Now, I search for people

I walk among crowds

Hands stuck to my side

Fists clenched

Eyes darting here, then there

Who’s beside me now?

Who’s behind me?

Is he coming closer?

Is he going to touch me?

 

I hear stories of horror

I remember stories of terror

I come up with some more in my head

I scare myself with my thoughts

I used to love the streets, walking

By myself

Travelling here, there, taking a bus

By myself

 

I take a cab now, keep a mace

In my pocket

Note his face, his number, the taxi number

Send alerts to my mother, my father,

My best friend

I come up with strategies all the time in my head

What if he does this? What if…

He tries that?

What if I carried a weapon? A knife in one pocket,

Other than the mace

I talk tough, I laugh loudly

I stay on the phone

I follow the route (on google maps)

I’m high-strung, I’m anxious

The knot in my belly refuses

To come un-knotted

 

I used to trust people

I don’t anymore

I call it by choice

But, is it really?

I used to be curious before

I’m not anymore

I say it’s my choice,

But, is it really?

I used to like new things

New people

New places to visit…

I get scared now

I get anxious

I cry sometimes

And that, I know

Is not by choice…

 

Fear grows in me day after day

Bit by bit, it climbs up my throat

Clutches my neck

Settles on my shoulders

Never lets go…

 

Fear never lets go…

 

*END*