2134 hrs: Sunday Night Vista

I’ve been feeling restless for the past 2 weeks. The feeling of wanting to do something, anything, other than what I usually do.

I’ve also been feeling lonely. So, I’ve been fantasising, daydreaming about having company, having a partner to rely on…for the rest of my life.

But, at that point, I gave myself a pause. Because that was not a thing I ever fantasised about.

Yes, I daydreamed about partners- about boyfriends and girlfriends…

Yes, I wondered what it’d be like to be married, to wake up to the same face every morning, to come home to the same person every night…

Yes, I fantasised a lot about the physical intimacy that comes from having such a person in your life…

But, never did I, in the least, want to get married or live with another person or share my life and everything in my life with a fellow human being.

So, when I started thinking I might actually want that- I took a step back and assessed my life, analysed my life.

I’m restless.

I’m bored.

I’m missing the passion.

That’s what I realised.

You know why I never needed another person to validate my existence before? Because I always had a purpose, a direction- something I wanted to do and something I was working towards.

Relationships and boys were always a second to that destination I was dreaming of. If they came in the way, they were ruthlessly cut off. You know those negative portrayals of career-driven women on TV? I was dangerously close to being those women.

But now, what changed?

What changed is that I don’t feel that purpose anymore. I’m floating in free waters rather than swimming against the tide and that’s the shittiest thing ever.

I was searching the other day for reasons to tell that your job is not satisfying you…

Fuck that! I should have been searching for how to tell if you’re not satisfying your job.

Because dreams and daydreams and fancy fantasies put aside, the fact remains that I was looking for my purpose in all the wrong places.

Because the direction I was working towards got difficult, I started evading and escaping and looking away.

Because I preferred daydreaming and stupid fantasies to giving my 100% and revelling in my purpose…

All I wanted, since I was very young, was to be useful- not just to the people I know, but to everyone. I wanted to repay life for giving me everything it did. Because I’ve been fortunate in the place of many others who are not.

And I didn’t exactly do anything to deserve it except be born to my parents…

The reason I wanted to become a doctor, apart from being conditioned into it by my grandfather, was because it gave me a larger perspective, a greater purpose and for all I criticize it for- because of its nobility.

So, how can I say I’m unfit for my dream profession before I give my 100%?

I know that just because I’ve had an epiphany doesn’t mean my life’s going to change the next day. But, I’m willing to work for it. I want to remind myself of these thoughts every time I want to slack off, or spend an evening in fantasy while rejecting reality.

That’s why I’m putting my haphazard, chaotic thoughts down here- in the hope that this Sunday night vista will still make sense to me come Monday morning.

Cheers! Happy Sunday!

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Tranquility

Staring out of the window

At the clouds lazily

Passing me by

Thoughts come, thoughts go

A blank slate in my mind

A peace that’s only ever

in this moment

Lasts now and gone just a little later

When my feet land on

Solid ground

When the world rushes in

Wipes out my existence

In its hasty omniscience

Calls to take, exams to write

Schedules to keep, routines to maintain

All forgotten in this moment

When the clouds lazily pass me by

And I stare out the window

My phone has no signal

My brain has no thoughts

No worries

No pressing concerns

A peace that’s only in this moment

And gone just a little later…

A serenity up here with the clouds

And an expanse of emptiness…

A tranquility up in the blue air

And me…

Gone just a little later…

*END*

Fear

Fear grows in me day after day

Bit by bit, it climbs up my throat

Clutches my neck

Settles on my shoulders

Never lets go

 

What if something gets me?

What if something’s hiding in the dark?

What if I can’t run fast enough?

What if I can’t get away?

 

I used to go out at night before

And at dawn too

I used to love the dark,

The peace and the quiet

 

Now, I search for people

I walk among crowds

Hands stuck to my side

Fists clenched

Eyes darting here, then there

Who’s beside me now?

Who’s behind me?

Is he coming closer?

Is he going to touch me?

 

I hear stories of horror

I remember stories of terror

I come up with some more in my head

I scare myself with my thoughts

I used to love the streets, walking

By myself

Travelling here, there, taking a bus

By myself

 

I take a cab now, keep a mace

In my pocket

Note his face, his number, the taxi number

Send alerts to my mother, my father,

My best friend

I come up with strategies all the time in my head

What if he does this? What if…

He tries that?

What if I carried a weapon? A knife in one pocket,

Other than the mace

I talk tough, I laugh loudly

I stay on the phone

I follow the route (on google maps)

I’m high-strung, I’m anxious

The knot in my belly refuses

To come un-knotted

 

I used to trust people

I don’t anymore

I call it by choice

But, is it really?

I used to be curious before

I’m not anymore

I say it’s my choice,

But, is it really?

I used to like new things

New people

New places to visit…

I get scared now

I get anxious

I cry sometimes

And that, I know

Is not by choice…

 

Fear grows in me day after day

Bit by bit, it climbs up my throat

Clutches my neck

Settles on my shoulders

Never lets go…

 

Fear never lets go…

 

*END*

Pinterest Prompt #1: Me! Me! And More Me!

Part III / III

The final part. It’s done. I know all my favorites now. Until the next time they change, that is.

6e4900c65996e9624e264ba537eb740a27. Favorite movie: Aah! This is so difficult! Well, since I’m multilingual…

In Telugu- Maya Bazaar

In Hindi- Chak de India

In English- There are so many! The Lord of the Rings series; brilliant cinematography. The first 3 of Pirates of the Caribbean series; made me fall in love with water again. Shawshank Redemption. Bend it like Beckham. Now You See Me. And all of the current Marvel Universe flicks. The list is too long to play favorites!

 

28. Favorite song: This is the most difficult thing to answer.

 It’s You by Henry, Reflections by RM, Awake by Jin and First love by Suga and also, 1-800-273-8255 by Logic to cry with.

 Spring day by BTS and 4 ‘o’ Clock by V & RM when I’m missing my best friend.

 Dear No one by Tori Kelly really speaks to me at this time of my life.

 Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol and Time Of Your Life by Greenday remind me of that feeling of freedom that driving used to give me (my car and I, forever).

Fireflies by Owl City, It Ain’t Me by Selena Gomez and Ramalama (bang bang) by Roisin Murphy because they make me smile no matter where I am.

Despacito by Daddy Yankee and Airplane pt. 2 by BTS- I can’t dance, but they make me dance.

How could this happen to me by Simple Plan, Cheap Thrills by Sia, Numb by Linkin Park, Distance by Christina Perri, Somebody That I Used To Know by Goyte and Lost by BTS- I can’t sing either, but they make me sing.

Hey there Delilah by Plain White Ts and Reason by Hoobastank because- come on! They make even my unromantic heart go pitter-patter.

Hotel California by Eagles, Stairway To Heaven by Led Zeppelin and anything by Pink Floyd takes me right back to college and the hazy DJ nights we used to have.

And all of A R Rahman’s work, irrespective of language, irrespective of mood, because that man is a genius!

 

29. Favorite band: BTS (Kim Namjoon! Kim Seokjin! Min Yoongi! Jung Hoseok! Park Jimin! Kim Taehyung! Jeon Jungkook! BTS!)

 

30. How I feel right now: Contemplative. And a little guilty-
because there are so many songs and movies I love that’re going unmentioned!

 

31. Someone I love: Me?
I do want to love me. Well, it’s an ongoing process, I guess.

 

32. My current relationship status: Single and bored.

 

33. My relationship with my parents: Well, my parents are not strictly conservative and I still manage to push their buttons a lot. So, it was quite rocky growing up. Especially with my mum who had to put up with all of my Adolescence. I think the distance that college put between us played a significant role in making that better.

At the end of the day though, I always knew they would love me no matter what. That sort of security is not easy to come by and I treasure it with all of my heart.

And umm…sorry. For everything I put you through already and will be putting you through in the future.

 

34. Favorite holiday: With my family- there was this one weekend we spent in Lonavala in Maharashtra. My parents stole me away from college. My dad and sister took some days off work and my grandfather also joined us. We didn’t do much. We stayed at a resort; went for walks; played on some swings…
It was the most peaceful, most rejuvenating vacation ever.

With my friends- the two times we went to Goa. Did you know beer is cheaper than water in Goa? We didn’t even wait until lunch to verify the claim.

 

IMG_20180523_18210670535. Tattoos and piercings I have: Like most Indian girls, my ears are pierced; 
And I have two tiny tattoos- first one on my wrist which says no and the other, on my shin. That’s the extent of my rebellion.
Though, I am planning for another tattoo. I got the previous ones with two of my friends. Now, I want to get one with my best friend. Maybe a dragonfly? (Are you listening, best friend?)

**

So, the prompt was titled- This could be fun or extremely sad. I didn’t get it at first. But, by the time I got to the end of the list, I kind of understood. This really makes you think about yourself, your options and the mountain of choices in front of you. Most of all, it makes you realize how involved you are in your own life and maybe, you need to be more involved?

I don’t know…working on this prompt made me contemplative. Do I need to do more in my life?

It also took me back to places in my memory that I hadn’t visited in a long time. That was some good nostalgic fun.

All in all, I’m glad I did this.

*END*

Eyes On Me

I’d be feeling great
All by myself at the bar
Guzzling a bottle of beer
Cutting into my chicken with a knife and a fork
Feeling damn smug at the moment
Because I’m independent and
Don’t need no one to keep me company.

Then my plate tips while I cut
Into my chicken
Or my fork slips and stabs the plate,
Missing the chicken…

Suddenly, I’m blushing
I’m flushing
I’m embarrassed beyond measure.
I feel their judging stares;
Their thoughts thinking not
That she’s so cool
That she’s all by herself
And so self-sufficient;
But, their thoughts thinking that
I’m sad, I’m pathetic
I’m alone, I’m lost
I don’t have the swag nor the their admiration,
But, their judgement, their censure, their assumptions
About my life
And how empty it is and might be.

My life is not empty though
Nor is it sad
Or pathetic.

I like drinking my beer alone
Reading a story by the side
With no conversation to make
Or people to keep entertained.

I know what I like
I know why I’m here
But, all it took was
A plate that tipped
A fork that slipped
And I was lost in thoughts that make me
Want to cry
Want to hide
Want to retreat into my shell
And lock the door that leads out.

I want to lose this consciousness
I want to lose this awareness
I want to be free of my own thoughts
I want to not care at all
Most of all, I want to cry
Right now
Because my fork slipped and
Clanged against the porcelain of the plate…
And I feel their eyes on me
Even though I know
They’re not looking at me

I plug in my earphones
I duck my head
I stare intently at my phone
And try to convince myself
That I’m alone…

Because I know they’re not looking at me
But, I feel all their eyes…
And they’re all…

On me.

*END*

Pinterest Prompt #1: Me! Me! And More Me!

Part II / III

#6 to 26… This is turning out to be longer than I expected. I guess once the narcissist comes out, it’s difficult to rein her in.

6e4900c65996e9624e264ba537eb740a7. My best friend: You know who you are… (Of course, I’m talking about my laptop!)

8. Sexual orientation: I like keeping my options open 😉

9. My best first date: I’m realising I don’t remember any first dates except this one. So, it has to be the best one, right?

We met up in this old used book store. It was a short date- lasted maybe 2 hours. We browsed through books yellowed with age, with dog-eared pages and forgotten messages of love written in the margins. We swapped recommendations, old stories of loved books and finally, bought two copies of one book that we promised we’d read together. It was lovely.

PS: The book was Cecelia Ahern’s A Place Called Here and it’s still lying unread in my shelf  :-/

10. How tall am I: 154 cm. Apparently, the tall genes all went to my sister.

11. What do I miss: Summer holidays. Guilt-free TV watching marathons. My best friend. The irresponsibility of college days. Drinking buddies. My car. City life. Going home.

12. What time was I born: It was prolonged labour. My mother was too relieved to bother about the time. She guessestimates that it was a Wednesday afternoon.

13. Favorite color: Black. Because in black, I’m not fat; I’m curvy…

14. Do I have a crush: Nope. Life has not been so kind to me of late. Does Jin of BTS count?

15. Favorite quote:
“Listen to the mustn’ts, child,
Listen to the don’ts.
Listen to the shouldn’ts,
The impossibles, the won’ts.
Listen to the never haves,
Then listen close to me…
Anything can happen, child,
Anything can be.
                  –   Shel Silverstein

16. Favorite place: Home. My room. My bed.
Oh! You mean outside? Chail, in Himachal Pradesh (India). Never seen a more beautiful place. I have dreams of living there when I retire.

17. Favorite food: Cake!
And what’s better than cake?
More cake!

18. Do I use sarcasm: Nope. Never.

19. What am I listening to right now: On May 18th, BTS dropped a new album. Since then, Fake Love kind of took over my iTunes playlist, my YouTube playlist, my stuck-in-the-head playlist…

20. First thing I notice in a new person: Posture. For some reason, drooped shoulders annoy me. (Jin has excellent posture, btw <3)

21. Shoe size: UK size 4 (EU size 37). Yes, my feet are disproportionately small. I feel quite bad that they have to bear the rest of me.

22. Eye color: Black.
In my head though, they’re a sparkling dark brown with flecks of silver round the centre and they turn black, like the blackest of nights, when I’m angry or sad or feel any teensy-weensy amount of superhuman emotion. Because me so special!

23. Hair color: Black. I want to color it blue. But, my mother would disown me. Especially due to the marriageable age thing.

24. Favorite style of clothing: Relaxed chic.
Except when I wear it, the chic gets lost in the fat folds.

25. Ever done a prank call: I’m a 90s kid. Which means I remember a time before mobile phones or even caller IDs were a thing. I remember spending an entire afternoon bugging one uncle by asking for his wife in a very deep voice.
I’m sorry, whoever you are.

26. Meaning behind my URL: I’ll explain my blog page titles here then.

My book review blog is called Overrated Sensibilities. I had just finished re-reading Sense and Sensibility then and I really love Marianne. I know she becomes all sensible and marries the good, stable guy in the end (who is forever immortalized in my head by a pre-Snape Alan Rickman); but, she was so much fun before that!

My nonsense blog is Girl In The Swing. That was just literally off the top of my head. No meaning there…except as an ode to my impulsivity, maybe?

(Final part coming up tomorrow. Are you bored yet?)
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Pinterest Prompt #1- Me! Me! And More Me!

Part I / III

So, I started using Pinterest recently (after having successfully gotten rid of it from my life the last time). During the entire afternoon (obviously) I spent on it, I wandered between recipes with minimum cooking (when did food get so complicated?!) to pictures of Jimin (Sigh! My heartu…) to art that blew my fricking mind (Deviantart, bless you!) to finally, writing prompts.

What I had gone on there for was an easy recipe for hummus. Instead, I came away with this self-assigned prompt.

6e4900c65996e9624e264ba537eb740a

  1. Name: Ooha

 

  1. Age: 26

 

  1. 3 fears: I have a lot of fears. Every year added to my life, brings with it at least two new fears. So, which ones should I choose to promote by mentioning them here?

Well, off the top of my head: #1 Failing my finals.
I’m working towards my specialization in psychiatry. My finals are 2 years away as of today. But, the thought haunts me. It took me two years to get into this three year course and I really, really want to be done with it in the best way possible.

#2 Marriage.
Did you know? Apparently, I’m of marriageable age!
If you didn’t, you’re my new best friend.
I don’t do well with people on a general basis. Now, you want me live with one? Aish!

The third one…what is my third fear?? #3 Fear of being disappointed.
Ah! This is a serious one, guys. The other two I can live with. But, this- this fear of disappointment that stops me from trying new things- I’ve got to get rid of. It makes a huge contribution to my avoidant personality. If I don’t try it, I won’t be disappointed- that attitude is frustrating at the best of times. And during the not so best of times…I really need to deal with it.

 

  1. 3 things I love: This is easy!

#1 Rain. The number of posts I have on here about rainy days should prove that to you. I swear my manic side reveals itself at the first drop of precipitation!

#2 Books. The smell, the feel, the excitement! I’m hugging myself right now! FYI, anybody got any good ideas for a bookshelf?

#3 Life. Rather, I think its living. Just the fact that I’m breathing, my blood is circulating, my intestines are peristaltic; I’m able to see, smell, touch and taste; and there’s so much to see, smell, touch and taste in this world, in life; just all of it…and none of it specifically. It just gives me dopamine burst and smile like a maniac.
#whysoserious :-p

 

  1. 4 turns on: Aspiring partners, take note! (Just kidding. I can hear the resounding silence already.)

So, #1 Sense of humor. I love a person who can make me laugh. And brownie points for being punny 😀

#2 Intelligence. Sherlock Holmes is a dream boat (and I don’t just mean Benedict Cumberbatch). He’s been on my cheat sheet since I was 10 and couldn’t get over the fact that he knew how many stairs lead to their room.

#3 Straightforwardness. There’s a song called My Wicked Way by Ben Taylor. And I don’t wanna talk about what happened on your favourite TV show;
I just want to get you close enough so I can take off all your clothes…
See, I like that guy who’s upfront about his expectations; helps me make an informed decision. Thing is, I don’t know what you mean unless you tell me what you mean. If you’re gonna make me guess and play around, I really don’t have the patience for it.

Finally, #4 Reading. I would love for my love story to begin in the British Library. Or a used book store. Or the Sunday book market. Ooh!

 

  1. 4 turns off: Ah! I’ve already mentioned one above!

#1 Playing games with communication. Look, I can’t read between the lines unless it’s written in neon pink and flashing disco lights at me. It’s my failing, maybe. But, that’s how it is.

#2 Thinking reading is boring. That’s just… it…well, I can’t live with you.

#3 Not using common sense. Occasionally, it’s cute. Usually, it’s not.

#4 Shitty friends. If I can’t stand your friends, I probably won’t be able to stand you for too long either.

 

(To be continued…)